Hey guys,
Today's post is going going to be a little more serious than my usual posts. A lot of you have been asking for more personal posts about my weight loss and my own body image (Click HERE to read the only other personal post I have written). I don't have a problem with these types of posts, but you should know that they are extremely difficult to write. This is mostly because I can barely get two sentences in without crying. It's a funny thing, weight loss. With it, you feel better about yourself and finally get to a point that you are happy, yet it is so emotional to look back at your real low points.
As a teenager, I was really into dance. While in high school, I had dance practice six days a week, with practices on Saturdays lasting several hours. All together this was probably around 14-16 hours of dancing each week, plus I was a teenager so I could eat like a horse and never gain an ounce. I weighed around 145-150lbs back then and wore a size 2/4 in pants. Even then, I felt ashamed of what I weighed. Although I was tiny and super muscular from all the dancing I did, I was still ashamed that I weighed so much more than other girls on the team. I actually remember being so embarrassed that I changed my weight on the sheet I had to get filled out on my sports physical so no one would see how much I weighed and wouldn't make fun of me. I've never told anyone that before in my life.
I got made fun of a lot in while I was in school, so if I had the foresight to save myself from being a target of scrutiny, I took it. There is no reason for a 17 year old girl to be using white out to discreetly change her weight on her sports physical. There is nothing wrong with being a healthy weight. Society tells us that we need to be a certain size to be considered beautiful. Society freaking sucks. High school also sucks. If you're not one of the people who peaked in high school (like me), it's even worse. My hair wasn't right because it was curly, my nose was too big, and my teeth were too crooked. I have scoliosis so I can't help but slouch when I stand. If I forced myself to stand up straight, then my boobs would be in people's faces and I did not want the bra stuffing rumors of junior high to start back up. Needless to say, I felt pretty crappy about myself due to constantly being under a magnifying glass. I never understood why my peers felt the need to do that to me. My mom would always say "They're just jealous of you, Bridget." I didn't agree with her and I still don't agree with her. I still don't know what I ever did to deserve all of that. Being a teenage girl is absolute hell. If you're one of the people who tormented me in school, and you know who you are, thank you for making me the person I am today.
High school is about the time your self esteem plummets to zero and you start praying to get mono so you don't have to step foot back into school for a little while. Unfortunately for me, I used up my mono prayer in 8th grade, so I had to endure the next four years in its entirety. I remember being 16 and turning to the side in the mirror and looking at my belly and wondering what I would look like if I lost 20lbs. I used to be obsessed with Kate Moss in high school and I wanted to look like her... Then that video of her snorting coke off of a coffee table hit the media and I was like OOPS, NO WONDER I DON'T LOOK LIKE HER! The year is 2006 and I need a new model. Cocaine is bad, kids.
College was much better for me. People actually liked me and WANTED to be friends with me. They laughed at my jokes and complimented my sense of style. I was normal the whole time! Can you believe it? Who knew? I also got my teeth fixed, grew into my body, and started to feel comfortable with myself. I met two girls, Tiffany and Sarah, during our orientation weekend. It was so strange to finally feel like I could be my true self in front of other people besides my family. I wasn't scared that I would get made fun of if I cracked a joke or if I wore sweat pants that weren't name brand. We are still the best of friends to this day and I can't imagine a day that they would not be in my life. As we all get married, go through break ups, have babies, and do all the things that happen as you grow older, nothing between us ever changes. I wouldn't be who I am today had I not met these girls. Although they don't know it, they really taught me that it's okay to be yourself and to be unapologetic for showing who you really are. It's funny how making true friends can make your image of yourself improve. As cheesy as it sounds, I wouldn't be the goofy, often inappropriate, girl that you all know me to be had I never met them.
As some of you may know, I was a biology major while I was in undergrad. I never really felt smart in high school, and often times I would edit myself when writing papers, answering questions, etc. in class for fear of getting made fun of. I remember one time I used the word "rather" while I was answering a question in class and these two girls kept making fun of me over it. Luckily for me, despite years of suppressing myself in high school, I kicked some major ass in college and did really well in an extremely difficult major. Thanks, public school system! In each area of my life, I was growing and accepting who I was and starting to finally love myself and love everything in my life. My self esteem had finally started to grow and boys were starting to notice me, which was scary and not something I had dealt with before.
I was a month shy of my 20th birthday the first time I ever went on a date. I'm not ashamed that I was so old. I used to be embarrassed to tell anyone that, but I'm not anymore. It's just another part of accepting yourself and the places you have been and the places you will go. It was shortly after this that I began dating my first boyfriend. As you will recall from the post about my weight loss journey, this is about the time I started packing on the pounds. I spent 3 years in a rut of unhappiness. Now that I think back on this time in my life, I get mad at myself. I had worked so hard to get my self esteem up and to accept my personality and my body, just to throw it away because I allowed myself to get to an uncomfortable point in my life. When I started losing weight, I kept thinking back to this time and saying to myself "Bridge, you have to find yourself again. You have to accept who you are again.You have to get back to the girl you used to be."
It's so frustrating and so embarrassing to look back and realize I let myself revert back to being the person I hated. I hated being that girl in high school who felt uncomfortable at every turn. When you are overweight and insecure in yourself, it comes up in other aspects of your life. I was so insecure that I made myself miserable in the relationship I was in at that time. I have another embarrassing memory to share with you all that was around this time frame. I didn't realize I was fat back then. I knew the scale had moved and I was wearing bigger sizes in clothing, but I never knew how big I was. I had my snap back to reality (Oh there goes gravity, Oh there goes Rabbit (Eminem is my man)) while I was at a basketball game. I can remember it plain as day. I looked down at my legs and I could not see any of the seat beneath me because my thighs were so large. You talk about a punch to the chest. I had to rub my eyes and make sure I was seeing my thighs right. How could this be? I've always had sexy legs, now I am reduced to thunder thighs!
How did I cope with this cruel realization that I did not look the way I thought I did? With about five boxes of peanut butter patties and all four seasons of Hey Arnold on Netflix. I know that doesn't even make sense. You realize you're fat, so you dive face first into the dessert bar at your local Golden Corral. Instead of doing something about my weight, I just started wearing Victoria's Secret sweatsuits all the time. I felt uncomfortable enough in my fat body, I figured I may as well make my fat body feel comfortable in some sweatpants with PINK plastered across my huge arse.
As you all know, I finally decided to get a handle on myself when I had to be in my friend's wedding and I didn't want to be the fat girl in her wedding photos. When I finally started feeling like myself and like I was starting to feel pretty again, I knew it was time to start loving myself again. I bleached my hair, started wearing makeup, and I got rid of every VS sweatsuit that I owned. I started to feel comfortable again.
You can feel comfortable again, too. You can start to love yourself again and I will help you do it, dang it. I'm not saying you even have to lose weight to love yourself, but that is what helped me get make peace with myself. This is your body. You have been with it since birth, and you will continue to be with it until the day you die. You may as well be happy with yourself before you go take a dirt nap. If you're reading this blog and you don't agree with me on something, keep on moving. I use this blog as an outlet to help myself achieve my own happiness through helping others and I don't care what anyone has to say about it. As you embark on your journey to happiness, if someone is not uplifting and supportive of you and your decisions, get rid of them, as hard as it might be. No one needs negativity. Life is too short. Likewise, go grab someone you love right now and give them a hug. Thank them for being with you through your good times and your bad times. Life is also too short to spend focusing on yourself and not telling those who are important to you how you feel about them.
There are things I miss about being fat. I miss turning into Krispy Kreme when I see the hot and ready sign light up. I miss not having to plan my meals. I miss when I could look at a menu and order exactly what I felt like eating. If you can't tell, I miss the carelessness of being fat. It's so simple, so quick, and so easy. It's like you don't care and you just eat whatever you want at the time with no consequences, then one day you exceed the weight limit for a roller coaster and wonder where you went wrong. My weight will always be directly proportionate to my image of myself. It's almost like I have PTSD from being overweight. The difference in myself now and myself then is that I have a strong support system of family, friends, and now, readers of this blog. I have four best friends, a loving fiance (who is HOT if you didn't know), and my little sister means more to me than anything in the world. Also, I have like 15 cats that make me happy. Speaking of which, anyone need a kitten?
I hope this post helps anyone out there that is struggling with how they feel about themselves. You can love yourself again. It just takes a little work. Find what you makes you unhappy, then ask yourself if you can do anything about it. If you can't help it, like me and my terrible posture, mark it off your list. No use worrying about it. If it is something you can deal with, then get up and do something! Don't be like me and try to eat to feel better about yourself. You'll only end up being even more sad.
Don't be sad. You're beautiful. I think you're beautiful. You are more than the flaws you see in yourself. Accept your beauty and let it shine through what you hate about yourself. You owe it to yourself.
The new and improved,
--Bridget
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